Bad days. I’ve been having a lot of those recently. I try to keep it as real as I possibly can, and being completely honest I feel like a mess. I have been stressing and overthinking constantly, and being so frustrated that it's hard to not just punch a wall. I just have to breathe. Live in the present. Let go. I’ve been praying a lot and just asking God for direction and peace. But it can be so hard to find the good in negative situations. At bible study this week we talked about looking for signs from God, which has been something that I am constantly doing. Trying to open my heart and really listen to what he has to say.
Lately I have been finding myself comparing my life to others’. Which is something you should never do, because everyone’s path is different. I tell myself “this is just going to motivate me, it’s not comparing”. But that is a lie. And deep down I know that. I have found myself obsessing over these peoples’ lives that are living out MY dream and wondering why it hasn’t happened for me yet. I have always wanted so much out of my life and imagined myself doing big things at a young age. It can make you wonder, “are my dreams just unrealistic?”. I know I am ambitious, but I always hoped that the bigger the dreams, the bigger the accomplishments. Everyone always tells me “Aspen you’re only 20, you have so much time to do things”, but here’s the thing. I’m impatient. I had plans, and at 20 I pictured myself already out in California starring in movies and shows and working on my own clothing line. Instead I am back living at home with my parents and working a regular job. And yes i understand things could ALWAYS be worse, but I am just disappointed in myself. I rethink every decision I have ever made. God has a plan and everything happens for a reason, but why am I left still feeling so lost?
Then there is the depression aspect. I look at myself and think, am I just not enough? Not pretty enough? Not talented enough? I know that I AM ENOUGH, but that little voice in my head tells me that I’m not. It tells me that I am a failure. It tells me that I will never amount to anything or be happy. And it can feel impossible at times to not listen. At night I get trapped in my own thoughts and become so frustrated with myself. I force myself to go about my day like a regular happy person when there are days when I feel like I’m dying inside. The internal battle can be exhausting. What helps me is to focus on the little things. Focusing on every positive moment throughout my day, no matter how small. Remembering that feeling of real happiness, even if it is just for a moment.
What I have learned is that the bad days are what make me stronger. God made me a fighter and a strong enough person to handle this. This is not a message saying I’m giving up, because I don’t think I ever will. This is just me sharing my inner thoughts and feelings, because life isn’t perfect. Life is like a heartbeat, if it didn’t have its ups and downs we wouldn’t be alive. Recently has just been a down, so I am hopeful that there will soon be better days and success ahead.
2020 has just been a crazy year for everyone and I am sure I’m not alone with these hard days. If you can relate to what I am going through I hope that this can make you feel like you aren't alone. I understand and feel your pain. I am also always willing to talk to anyone if they need support. There are so many things going on in the world right now, and I am just praying for happier times and equality for everyone.
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