People always talk about the pressure we feel from others, whether it be from our family, peers, or just society in general. But what about the pressure we feel from ourselves?
I know that I am my own biggest critic. I am very ambitious, and from a very young age I set extremely large goals for myself. I had my entire life pretty much figured out, what I would be doing at what age, my career, everything. But sometimes life just doesn’t go the way you planned. Things change, things out of our control. We never know what this crazy journey could hit us with. The unknowing used to excite me, I couldn’t wait to see what the future held for myself. But now as an adult, the unknowing terrifies me. I reluctantly admit that I am not where I thought I would be by 20. I haven’t achieved half of the things I thought I would. Some of that is my fault, but the majority of it is because life really has just been kicking my ass these past few years. Trying to pick myself back up disappointment after disappointment has been extremely hard. It took a toll on me, especially my mental health. I have laid in bed so many nights just wondering, “where do I go from here?”
And, I’m still not sure. I am trying to stay positive through it all, keeping myself busy with the things that make me happy, like making videos and writing. One thing I have been trying to do is just breathe. Life is going to happen the way it is supposed to, and stressing won’t change that. I thought by 20 I would be a Hollywood actress starring in films and tv shows and coming out with my own fashion line. But that wasn’t meant to happen right now, but hopefully in the near future. Trying to create my own opportunities has been difficult, because I quickly realized that you can’t always wait for them to just show up. You have to make your own. Living in the midwest makes this especially difficult, it isn’t exactly the “place to be” for up and coming actors and performers. I’ll be completely honest and say I have been miserable living here again. I genuinely feel like it brings me too much negative energy and it makes me feel trapped. Now, my main goal is to find out where I am supposed to be. Where life is calling me to go. I know that when I find it, I will feel it in my heart.
What inspired me to talk about this was a quote I read in my guided journal (for those wondering it is called “‘An Inspired Life’ a journal for thinking, dreaming, and discovering”, It is amazing and I love it so much). The quote was If it’s both terrifying and amazing then you should definitely pursue it. - Erada. That’s how I feel about my path in life, I relate to this on such a deep level and this quote just spoke to me. I NEED to pursue this life. I can’t give up just because the journey has been difficult. These experiences will only strengthen and help me grow as a person.
I have always had trouble opening up to people and sharing what I have gone through, but I have realized that there are probably others out there that are going through similar things and it is comforting knowing that you aren’t alone. My life motto has been “Aspire to Inspire” for as long as I can remember, and if me sharing my life and my struggles can inspire just one person to keep pushing forward and continue following their dreams, it will make it all worth it.
xoxo, Aspen
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