I went back and forth on whether or not I wanted to write about this. Finally, what made my decision was reading through my goals for the new year. On that list I put that I wanted to help others and be a role model, so if this blog helps even just one person feel like they're not alone, it will make it worth it.
Religion is a topic a lot of people are very open about. I was raised catholic and went to a catholic school from preschool-fifth grade. I realized at such a young age that there were so many things that I didn't agree with. I have always been very inquisitive, even back then. I had so many questions and I found that people became angry when I asked them. I just wanted to understand how everything worked. It was innocent questioning, but I didn't realize that it could offend so many people. So when I went to middle school I decided that I didn't want to go to a Catholic Church anymore. My family has never been super into going to church weekly or anything though, we were definitely "chreasters" (chreasters definition: families that only go to church on Christmas and Easter) so this wasn't really an issue.
Throughout middle school I went to church with some of my friends on occasion, I'm not positive since this was so long ago, but I think they were just nondenominational christian churches. I definitely enjoyed those more, I actually understood what was being preached and I loved going to the youth group events. For some reason, I always had this nagging feeling inside me when I went. I felt as though I didn't belong there, like I just didn't fit in. I don't know the reason behind this. Everyone was always welcoming, but I couldn't shake that feeling. I thought maybe I just hadn't found the one that was the "right fit" for me
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Middle school unfortunately was really traumatic for me. I'm not going to get too into detail about it, but I went through a lot. Underlying issues arose and bullying occurred and I was lost and broken. I also lost my grandpa in eight grade. When he became sick I used to pray for God to heal and fix him. Which now I realize that that's not how it works, and everything happens for a reason. But I became angry at God for taking someone I loved so much away from me. I couldn't understand why bad things had to happen to good people. But truthfully I just wanted someone to blame. I saw God as this figure that was supposed to fix all of my problems and when my grandpa passed away, I thought he failed me. Which wasn't fair, that's not the way the world works.
By the time high school rolled around honestly I just gave up. I really didn't think too much about religion. When asked about it I just said that I didn't know what I believed in and ended it there. I just didn't care. I thought that whatever was going to happen will and I can't control it. I felt guilty sometimes for feeling this way, but I did nothing to change it. I also was learning about other religions, and this sparked a new thought for me. If there are so many religions, how do we know who is right? Everyone believes they are right and they know everything, but nobody can prove it. This constant state of wonder still hasn't left me. How will anyone ever know who is right? Is it different for everyone based on what they believe? Nobody has the answer, and this drives me insane. The not knowing.
So here I am today. Still going through a lot. Still confused. Still wondering. I sometimes wish that I could just go to church with some of my family and feel comfortable and believe in something. But what is stopping me is this underlying feeling that I don't deserve God. I know that I am a good person, but I feel like the years of questioning took this privilege away from me. Yes, I know everyone says God is all forgiving and will accept anyone that will open their heart to him, but I don't know how to do this. Does this mean I can no longer wonder? I have trouble opening my heart to anyone, would I be able to just let go and believe?
So now I'm sitting here staring at the devotional that my mom surprised me with that sparked all of this. Wondering if I should even open and read it. I'm a stubborn person that hates being told what to do, so I know that if I choose to go down that path it has to be on my own terms. Maybe all of my opinions on this will completely change by next year, who knows? I'm secretly hoping that I can just swallow my pride and try, because it never hurts to try.
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